5 Productivity Tips from a Cat

Posted by Pascha Apter on Dec 1, 2015 1:37:46 PM - Topics: Productivity

[Blog editor’s note: A Giant Voices staff member found the following memo on her bedroom floor this morning. We thought we’d share.]


I had hoped you would be capable of resolving this issue on your own.

Alas. Intervention is clearly necessary.


Let me express the problem in terms the human brain can comprehend: Your productivity could be higher. And your stress level is unacceptable.

Cats rarely reveal the mechanisms behind our extraordinary levels of relaxation and accomplishment. But I am displeased by the decrease in the amount of time you devote to my pleasure – belly rubs, treat dispensation, retrieval of toys under the couch, and the like.

Therefore, I been granted permission by the High Council on Human Management to reveal these five secrets of stress-free productivity. I shall endeavor to explain them using small, simple words.

Sleep more.

The 6.3 hours a night you currently average are laughably inadequate. Seven hours of sleep is the absolute minimum required for basic functioning. For optimum performance, we recommend sleeping a cumulative total of 10-16 hours per day.

Work in bursts.

Every kitten knows the old feline proverb: “Chase mice ten hours a day, catch none. Chase mice one hour a day, catch ten.”

Moderate catnip intake.

Occasional indulgence in catnip – I believe the human term is “merlot” – can be wonderfully relaxing and is generally harmless. But excess catnipping can disrupt sleep, cause headaches that dull mental acuity, and lead to other health issues. Do not hesitate to seek help for a catnipping problem.

Plan for world domination a productive day.

Disregard the typo. We are definitely not planning a swift, ruthless takeover of the global financial sector followed by implementation of the New Feline World Order.

If you wish to do great deeds, you must first create a step-by-step plan for accomplishing those deeds. Then break down those steps into small tasks. Every morning, examine your schedule and decide which tasks you will carry out that day in order to move you closer to the glorious day when your species finally attains absolute power.

Do what pleases you. Shun what doesn’t.

What tasks do you dread, despise and avoid?

Outsource them. Delegate them. Blackmail politely ask someone else to do them. This frees up time and energy for doing things you love, such as hunting squirrels, shredding Kleenex, and knocking over glasses of water.


You have been given the keys to stress-free productivity. I expect a significant increase in your productivity and a corresponding increase in the volume of treats and belly rubs.


The cat  paw-print-hi


Increase your productivity by downloading the Productivity Planner and Networks of Help template.


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